I was being mildly rebuked last night for having maintained blog silence since before Christmas. Harold MacMillan would no doubt have replied "events, dear girl, events - there haven't been any".

So nothing to write about. But now....I was raised from my bed at 7 this morning by the continuous sounding of a fire alarm that on investigation proved to be the one in my block. Further investigation revealed the presence of a fire engine outside and a couple of firemen inside.

Were they beating back a fierce inferno or at least turning off the alarm? No. There was no inferno, no flame, not even the smell of smoke, no apparent cause for the alarm to have gone off. I engaged them in conversation and through the fingers that were pressed into my ears heard with some astonishment that they were unable to turn off the alarm, lacking the necessary key.

Discussion turned to the reason for the alarm having gone off and I was told that the occupant of one flat had suggested that a homeless person had been smoking in the stair. Leaving aside the absence of the smell of cigarette smoke and the question of how a homeless person had got in (and where he had fled to since the stair was deserted ) the fireman remarked that the presence of a mattress in the stairwell was a cause for concern since a homeless smoker might easily set it alight. Smokers with homes are no doubt more careful.

Ideally he said the mattress should be outside. Indicating the clipboards on which he and a colleague were scribbling he added that that would have avoided all this paperwork. He continued completing a statutory notice under the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982 Section 93 later served on all the occupants of the stair notifying us that we were failing in our duty "to keep the common property free of (a) any combustible substances or (b) anything which might obstruct the way out from and access to the property in the event of fire." and giving us 24 hours to get back in line.

The thought did pass through my mind that if they really wanted to avoid paperwork then the two hulking firemen could easily lug the thing outside. But thanks to a story that Fiona had told us just the other night of how she had had to flutter her eyelids and use her helpless little woman routine to melt the hearts of two dishwasher installers and thus persuade them to step beyond the bounds of their remit and disconnect the old one I knew that voicing the thought was pointless.

So I focussed on getting the noise stopped. I roused the poor factor from his bed and he in turn roused a technician who came out and by 8.30 the alarm was off and had been re-jigged so that in future a key is not needed to turn it off. I had a chat with the technician about what could have set off the alarm. He thought it might have been weather related. If temperature changes can disrupt Eurostar trains after all. Could that also be why the lift has broken down again?

I have darker thoughts.

The mattress which worried the firemen has been joined by a growing pile of other junk over the last couple of weeks and for several days I have been on the point of serving a non-statutory notice on the person I suspect of being responsible for putting it there. Strangely enough this is the person who came out with the homeless smoker story.

So my hypothesis is that the junker (who may well have previous as a lift lunatic and stair candle lighter) got tired of waiting for someone fed up with the mess to get rid of his junk for him and thought of the cunning ploy of engaging the services of the fire brigade. Had two less conscientious chaps responded to the call maybe it would have worked.

The question now is will he break under the threat of the statutory notice.